Monday, 9 March 2015
Thursday, 12 February 2015
I was discussing the way one feels after one has let go of the past. Well usually the letting go of a really traumatic experience is not in our abilities but with divine assistance it is possible. We have discussed how looking back, it feels like it happened to someone else and we feel no more pain of association to the event, whereas when we refuse to forgive or allow ourselves to heal or face the situation,
we have an invisible cord that binds us to the situation and we live like a shadow of what we can actually be. Hurting and in bitterness and resentful or in a confused vindictive state of why me. Being a victim is a worse state than being a victor. Conquering your demons and rising up from the ashes of your past like a phoenix that is our right. God has promised to bring comfort to us. As it is written in Handel' Messiah
Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.
Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned.
The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.
This is an excerpt from the book of Isaiah chapter 60. In that chapter Jesus is telling the people that he has been sent to bring everyone out of their prison of despair, confusion, darkness, to break their chains of oppression and to comfort the people. He has come with the good news that God does desire to heal the broken hearted and bring freedom to the captives. To give to the weary and oppressed beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning and a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness so that they can be identified as God's people. When that has happened, they can go on to do unimaginably wonderful things; bringing restoration and prosperity to their homes and countries. You see, God is the God of Healing. We represent him fully when we are full of joy, healed and of a sound mind. God desires that every human being should reflect him as a pattern not broken, battered and abused, oppressed, suppressed and depressed. It is our human right to be full of joy no matter what we are facing and to overcome every trial and challenge we may ever encounter. We have inbuilt abilities to forgive and love, but sometimes the trials are so diabolical we cannot reach deep into our inbuilt resources to bring out love or forgiveness. We become broken and exhausted and bitter and wounded and so weak we do not want to let the person get away with it, so we hold them in unforgiveness and bitterness. However the same string with which we hold them is the same string that binds us with handcuff to them. So as long as we want them to suffer we will suffer as well. If you want to get rid of someone fast then set them free, unchain the bitterness handcuff and release them. Immediately you will become free yourself.
Sometimes It seems like no one understands or cares how much you have suffered. Its difficult for any other human being to understand another's pain because we are not them. Only you know your pain and only you can decide that enough is enough you do no want to hurt any more. When that day comes your redemption is near. Reach out to God and give him the pain. Cry out to him to take it away and finally let the pain out in tears and words. Articulate the pain, verbalise the hurt. Don't keep silent. No one has to hear you. This is between you and God and your issue. Don't carry the issue as a trophy. No one can endure a vengeful victim for long. Its not attractive and everyone can tell. You desire to be happy and at peace then give the issue away. He alone can heal you and set you free from the pain and hurt. Yes the person who hurt you may seem to be enjoying life, let that not become your problem. Stay focussed on getting your freedom. You deserve it. Its time to let go. Right now God is here and reaching out to you saying "My child let me take this away from you. You don't have to carry it around with you. Let me take the shame, the pain, the wound now. Give it up. I will release to you, Joy and peace that no one can take away from you. Come now with me and let us walk together. Are you ready? If you are say this prayer below.
Thank you Father I am now your child. In Jesus's Name. AmenCongratulations you turned a new leaf and started a new journey towards knowing your true self and the one who loves you most. Welcome to the family! If you have any questions, please make a comment and I will reply. Love and Peace.
Old things pass away and behold all things become new
I was chatting to one of my sisters yesterday and she was telling me about the extent of the rejection she had suffered growing up. We chatted about so many issues she faced and how God miraculously healed her heart and caused her to forgive all those that had rejected her and made her fall in love with them all over again. She said to me "Sis looking back it seems like it had all happened to someone else". Its as if that person was a completely different individual to me" Wow!. Now that's what I call complete healing. I know what she went through and in the area of rejection she had the Lion's share trust me. However that is her story to tell and she promised to write a book on that one day.
Her words began to make me ponder. I realised that it is true, when you have dealt with an issue there is a sense of freedom to talk about it without shame, a boldness to look back without fear and a joy to be able to move forward in peace. Its really as if it never happened. Save for the lessons learned and the maturity gained its like it happened to a different version of yourself that has now been upgraded to the latest version.
The irony of it all is that you fight so hard not to go there and resolve the issue, the pain, the hurt, the wound but when you gather enough courage to d so, you become a better version of yourself and the old version literally disappears in front of your eyes. That frightful, vengeful, hurting, traumatic you is healed and delivered and set free and you feel like a new you. Like the first day of spring and the seed has blossomed into a beautiful green shoot allowing the sun to shine down on its leaves and dews to moisten its stems. You feel like you can now face anything. You will have plenty of opportunities to look back at what happened to you but when you do each time it will seem further and further away from you and you can only be thankful that it does not hurt any more. Like Kirk Franklyn rightly said in his song Imagine Me; "It All Gone".
Thursday, 5 February 2015
You certainly don't want to visit the event with all its gory details and so thinking about it makes you irritable and stressed.
This is already a tell tale sign that this issue if not dealt with will irrupt in the most surprising manner whether in you or in your children. Better deal with it now or deal with a bigger problem later. This issue can lead to a mental health problem if left to fester.
So what we can do is take baby steps towards total freedom from the fear and the despair it has plagued you with since it happened.
The very first step will be to admit it to yourself.
Then tell yourself that you deserve peace and joy. Yes you certainly do and this thing cannot come and rob you of that and spoil your future.
Now you need to reach out for help. There are all kinds of help out there both online and in your community. The help offered on this blog is the spiritual type. It is also the biblical type. This is the Forgiveness route. If you will like to try this route then please read on. I would like to tell you my story here so you know why I choose this route of healing.
I come from a background where I saw a lot of spousal abuse as a child. I had parents who loved me and my siblings very much but who had not found love in each other's eyes. So there was infidelity, hurt pain, alcoholism to deaden the pain of betrayal and both parents trying to make the other look like the bad one to us. This was very stressful on us as children. As a result each of my siblings choose their own way of coping with this stress. One decided she will never get married. Another turned to self harm, another to smoking and alcohol etc,
I became a Christian at 13. I found that God gave me the peace I lacked in my home. I therefore tried very hard as a young teen not to take sides but I could not shut my eyes to the pain my mother suffered in the hands of my father and the other women. So even though I forgave my father (or thought I did because it was the christian thing to do) all through my adult life I kept having the same dream repeatedly. Now I was my father's favorite and I loved him to bits. I really loved my father so this was so difficult for me as a child. Anyway the dream was this; I would see my father with another woman in my dream and I will be overwhelmed with wrath. I will be so angry I will do anything to see them separated. This happened for many years and I was still in the dark as to why I kept having this dream. As far as I was concerned I had forgiven my dad so I could not see why I was having this dream. Then one day I had this same dream and this time my father was in a car with another woman. The wrath took over me and I was like the incredible hulk. I had the mother of all road rage. I took a huge wooden pole and smashed the windscreen of the car. I was in such rage and I could see my father was very upset with me. Suddenly I woke up. So I knew I had a problem. I decided to ask God what the dream meant. He told me that my Father was very angry with me and I had never forgiven the women in his life for making our lives such a misery growing up. He asked me to take hold of my pillow as a representative of every woman that had caused me such heartache and to tell them in detail what they had done and how it had affected me. I must then tell them I forgave them and pray for them to be blessed. This was very difficult because it meant reliving the pain of my childhood But I decided to to so. To cut a long story short lets just say that my pillow wash drenched with the tears of an inner child releasing her demons from the past. I noticed that as I explained to each offender by name and forgave them and prayed a blessing for them I began to understand their own story and why they did what they did. I began to understand their own inner child and the issues they never dealt with that spilled over into my life. I began to feel sorry for them and love flooded my heart.
I was then told by God to call my father and apologize to him for all the embarrassment and disrespect I had caused him. Now you may say here that he should be the one apologizing, but we are to Honor our parents no matter what and I loved my dad in spite of his challenges.
So I called my dad. As I began to explain the dream to him over the phone he burst out into a wail and started weeping. He admitted that he had made a vow to go to the grave in unforgiveness towards me concerning the last letter I wrote to him about the way he treated my mum. I could hear my mum in the background urging me to ask for his forgiveness. They were coming over the following month from Africa to visit us so he wanted to discuss the letter in person. So I said my apologies and hung up the phone. I was shocked! I had no idea my dad had felt so much offence over the letter I wrote telling him about all I thought had happened in our home. He was going to proclaim a curse on me before he died .
God loved me so much he kept reminding me in my recurring dream that I had unresolved issues with my father but I was so blind I could not see it. Thanks to the persistence of the dream I finally got the picture and obeyed the spirit's leading.
My parents came the following month and I had to kneel down to beg my dad and apologize for all the disrespect I had caused him. Funny how life works. It was my mother supporting him all the way and urging me to bow down and touch his knee and apologize to him. I did and all the issues came flooding to the surface for my dad. He burst out weeping uncontrollably for some time and after all this he died about a month or so later. I had the opportunity to clean up my act thanks to God's grace and the crazy over the top dreams to get my attention. So I reconciled with my dad and the dreams ended. My point for sharing this is to tell you that I know how difficult this process can be and sometimes the people who hurt you cannot be reached and you still have to go through the process of explaining to them what they did and how it affected you in detail.
This is to give you closure on the matter. They may seem to have gotten away with it but a vindictive attitude does not grant you your peace and joy back but keeps you locked in a very dark prison of hate and anger. Releasing them helps you heal up and move on. Amazingly God also healed the hearts of my mum and siblings and ignored vows made in ignorance.He transformed broken hearts into joyous ones. You have heard that karma is a bitch so let the Lord take care of the rest. You concentrate on your heart and health and what goes around will come around on their doorstep. I am a strong believer in whatever one sows one will reap so I know all is not lost. There is a universal karmic Judge who deals with all these things and does it far much better than we can possibly do in the area of vengeance and all that sort of thing. So let us concentrate of seeking and pursuing inner peace.
You see, because of my childhood experiences I will get irritated every time my husband was looking at or chatting with another woman because I had developed a suspecting mind. Children are so fragile and what we see and experience as children colors our adult world. I had brought this suspect behavior into our marriage unknowingly and God wanted something better for me and I wanted peace at all cost. So it worked out well for me when I finally realized what my dreams were saying and dealt with this situation over 8 years ago. Now I have peace in this area and will apply the same method to every hurt and pain I have carried in my life due to one thing or another. Letting go is so therapeutic and it brings so much joy back into one's life.
I have now developed a method that I have used in several cases with different women who have gone though traumatic experiences and they have all found peace at the end of it and also great release from their pain. If you are interested please send me an email and I will get back to you. Happy chasing!
Thursday, 22 January 2015
It has been said that hurting people always hurt others. This is because they are responding to situations through the lens of their pain which has lead to them developing the victim mentality and the why me? mindset.
Our diverse abilities to handle stress and our tendencies to be more or less sensitive makes each of our experiences valid. Because someone was joking does not mean their words did not hurt. Simply dismissing other peoples issues as having no solid foundation for offence does not mean it is not an offence to them. For you, carrying a mountain the size of Kilimanjaro on your back is an issue but to another carrying a small pebble on their back is an equally great issue to them.My point here is when we begin to accept that something is an issue for some body we begin to learn patience, endurance and kindness. We begin to empathise and stop criticizing.
Most importantly is the issue bearer, the pain feeler the hurt carrier. Sometimes we go through life carrying mountains on our backs and never acknowledging them. We go through the crowd of daily living bumping into everyone and never saying sorry for the mountain that just keep hitting everyone we encounter. Most often we do not even realise we are carrying them or we carry them as a symbol of victimisation. Let everyone know we have been done some misdeed and we deserve to hit everyone with the pain we are carrying. We walk tall with our issue as a trophy or bend down low with the "oh me oh my" attitude. It does not matter how we choose to bear it it is still a burden to us and very unpleasant at that. No one wants to carry such burdens on their backs and most importantly no one asked to carry them.
No one wants to experience trauma of any form and if they do there is a problem. When you meet people who are living with trauma, sometimes the evidence is glaring and someone might say to them in anger "you have a problem man!".
This is because their attitude is showing them up but they are blinded by their hurt and pain.
God does not want us to hurt so much that we are hurting everything we come in contact with. He loves us and wants us to be whole persons.
We live in a world where pain and suffering are inevitable and are useful to make us grow. For example If you had to abort a child because you were afraid of what people will say if they realised that you had gotten pregnant at a very inappropriate age or time or for some inappropriate person you will hurt for that unborn child even though you have convinced yourself that it is your body and your right to do as you please. I am not here judging anybody for their experiences but simply pointing out the fact that you will still hurt.
It it important to acknowledge the experience. Tell yourself the truth. Don't push it deep inside as it will eat you up. If you own up to the experience and how you feel about it you have just switched on the light in a very dark room. Sometimes the problem is finding the switch. the room is dark with the pain and bitterness and anger and we have to grope around it searching for the light. Jesus said "Come unto me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, you will find rest for your souls"
Sometimes in saying the word "Help" in your mind if you cannot speak out is still a good beginning. Tears streaming from your eyes and swallowing deeply you have just acknowledged that you don't want this darkness and pain any more. Its time to seek help.
Start from yourself. Its time to revisit the actual situation and see it just as it is. Just as it happened; the before, during and after and observe without judgement all the different emotions that you went though.
Yes it happened. It happened. It happened. There is no need here blaming yourself by thinking if you had just done this or that it would not have happened. It happened and there was nothing you could have done about it and there is nothing you could do about it now to stop the occurrence. Asking the question why it happened to you has not helped you got over the pain. It has just intensified it. I know that there are things I have experienced that I do not wish on my worst enemy so if it did not happen to you would you have wished it to happen to another? No. Life happens and sometimes it looks and feels ugly and cruel and painful and confusing and down right evil. But wow there is the other side of life and it is beautiful and peaceful and calm and that you were born to experience. It is a place of growth and knowledge and self love and respect and self acceptance and deep forgiveness of self and others. A place of standing on top of the mountain and refusing to ever carry it on your back again. Of seeing the horizon from its peak and gaining new perspectives. A place of new possibilities and achievements. A place of great potential for greatness. Its time to face the Goliath of your emotion and deal with this once and for all. You are now the David and all you have with you are a few stones and a sling and a changeless and loving God who is ready to bring you to a place of complete healing and rest. Victory is guaranteed if you are willing to use the resources you have been provided with. Are you ready?
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
How trauma is caused. How Issues arise!
In our last discussion we began to identify the origins of trauma. As promised we will be identifying some causes that lead to the effect of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Depending on how an individual handles a situation will result in whether it becomes viewed as a traumatic experience. There are many traumatic situations by the general definition of the shock to the system but the capability of the individual to cope with it will determine whether it results into an issue or not.
Here are common situations that can lead to a traumatic or can't cope situations. Bear in mind that sometimes all it takes is a straw to break the camel's back. So even though someone is very good at coping with stress the situation, timing and weight of one more event may tip them over and cause them to loose their strength.
Take a look at all these examples and if you have experienced any, begin to examine how you have coped with each of them. If whilst you are reading them you begin to feel like you are panicking, or you feel hurt, resentful, bitter or afraid or shameful then you have issues. Welcome to the club of issue bearing individuals. We are here to help you put them down and experience inner healing and peace.
Things that can cause a traumatic experience are
- Abuse - sexual, physical, mental and emotional
- Motor Accident
- Plane crash
- Loss of a loved one
- Financial ruin
Although the list is not exhaustive many people can relate to some of the above. All of these cause a shock to our system and release stress hormones which are unhealthy for the body and we literally start breaking down. Our cells become worn out and we feel tired, frustrated and in unimaginable physical and emotional pain. If anyone tells you that you can find peace again they will sound like they are talking nonsense. Our bodies release pain and fatigue as it tries to return us back to the former status quo. Sometimes it succeeds. Our bodies and mind are very cleverly designed. When we have experienced something that it cannot bring us back to our original state as before, it creates a pseudo persona to cope with the situation. We are kind of put into this self hypnotism where we kind of forget for some time the experience and seem to return back to the status quo. But do we really ever return to that?
No. the experience is buried in our subconscious mind and it pretends to forget it until a trigger happens. A trigger is anything that forces us to remember that incident or relieve it in full. We get into a tailspin. We become irritable. Some people cry and behave like children others get aggressive or angry and others simply run away. All of this is our attempt at resolving the trauma.
Here are a list of things we all do to deal with bad experiences.
- Eating disorders
- Mood swings
- Excessive Shopping
- Abuse of drug and alcohol
- Self harm
- Over niceness
- Push Boundaries
- Create Invisible friends and situations to which we react as if they are normal
When we begin to display any of the above, we have developed PTSD. This can start from a very mild situation that is almost normal to the extreme situation that we become psychologically and emotionally imbalanced and need medical help. We may function as normal individuals but become completely different when we sense a trigger coming on. We are not happy and definitely have no peace. We use the above to cope. Our life becomes one of coping and enjoying the everyday life is a distant wish which we do not think can ever happy to us.
We carry our issues into adulthood, marriage, employment, business and every activity we are involved in. People learn to cope with us or walk away. We remember the event as if it was yesterday and we either want to keep this state of being or we want to erase it completely from our memory.
Trauma happens when the body including its organs try to make sense of an event that has taken place in the person that has resulted in a shift in its paradigm. Basically the person has suffered an assault to itself mentally, emotionally, or physically. All or some of this may lead to a psychological stress in coping with the assault and if the body cannot cope with it, may lead to PTSD. This is a delayed reaction to the assault.
Our bodies act as our servant and security against the outside environment and function effectively in protecting us from any kind of stress. How we deal with stress depends on our age,background and training.
A normal civilian may deal with stress differently, from a trained soldier and a person of faith may deal with stress differently than a one with non. Dealing with stress depends on the person's willingness to learn and overcome every situation that they can possibly face, but nothing can prepare one for the different levels of atrocities that one may be exposed to during the course of existence in this world.
Our body, mind and spirit have been created to cope with stress to some degree and if we train each area, it increases its capacity to deal with stresses of varying degrees. There are countless therapies and training offered around the world to discipline our body, soul and spirit to avoid them breaking down under tremendous stress. These are all admirable. However no one knows their limit or as the saying goes "which straw will break the camel's back"and what it might take to break us. It could be a simple thing or a great atrocity but break down happens and that is what is termed as a traumatic event.
So my definition of a traumatic event is anything that happens to you that causes you to never be able to function in the same way again before it happened to you. A personality changing event. A life transforming situation for the worse. So a really loving young man may go to war and have to kill people and he is blown up by a bomb and looses his limbs. He comes back home with no job and hates his family and becomes aggressive and angry. Or a beautiful happy go lucky girl is raped by a family member and she becomes withdrawn with occasional outbursts of anger or completely rebellious. Or a wonderful boy is constantly bullied in school and he develops a personality disorder. Or a woman who is constantly criticised when young becomes a controlling wife and mother.Or a girl who is teased about her weight becomes anorexic.
These things just don't happen. Usually the body will try to figure things out and when it does not succeed in the conventional reasoning, it will develop a coping mechanism or personality change to deal with the stress. A grown woman may act like a child to blank out a sexual assault. A grown man may become a socio-path to blank out the hurt of bullying.
Anyone and everyone experiences a traumatic situation but cope differently. Some coping mechanisms are so hidden that the person does not exhibit any abnormal behaviour until another similar incident threatens to happen and then they loose it.
Our body, mind and spirit were created to be at peace at all times to promote excellent health and well-being. We live in a world were we are being assaulted by social media, religious bigotry and extremism and all many of human rights and ideologies. We are not protected as we think we should and how we cope in this jungle is down to our psychological, physical and emotional health.
Our perception of everything will affect these three factors. We can change our mindset but it takes willingness and effort form our part.
Peace is our original default state just like a calm lake. When you throw a stone in it it ripples . It will hit anything it comes across as it does so. Similarly when we are traumatised knowingly or not we affect everything around us. We colour everything we see by our trauma and behave likewise.
People can sense sometimes when some one is dealing with something.
We call it issues.
Everyone has issues and some people love having issues and drama in their lives but the majority of people wish that their issues will go away and that they can experience true inner peace.
Jesus said, "My peace I give to you let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid" Why? Because no matter who you are in this world, there is a bit of troubling of heart and fear going on beneath the surface.
There is one thing someone giving you peace there is totally another thing receiving that peace. It will take more than a verbal acknowledgement of receiving of that peace to deal with a serious traumatic situation. You need healing, so does your mind, body and soul and it will take every inch of bravery, effort and determination to gain it. It is written "seek peace and pursue it". Well it takes seeking and pursuing. It means that peace is not readily visible and can be fleeting so you must seek and pursue.
I feel dead without peace so I seek and pursue daily. Without peace I feel like I have lost the centre of my being so I am not myself. So I need to do some soul searching to get it back. Sometimes when the trauma is physical such as head trauma or loss of a body part not only is there physical therapy but emotional, occupational and psychological therapy essential to get back to your peace. Traumas change us but we can choose whether it is for the better or for the worse. Next time we will look at some situations that can lead to a need for inner healing and getting our mojo back.